Happy...

I think I might be depressed. I just really can't be happy for more than a few minutes. I want to so much, I'm taking simple things and making them hard. I'm making big deals out of little things. I have people who are finally starting to be happy again and I can't be happy for them. I'm being really selfish right now. I can't get over myself and just be glad that those individuals are doing well. I tell myself to get over it, I had myself a 10 minute cry in the bathroom this afternoon. I got over it. But once I was with those persons, I couldn't be happy. It was still fresh in my mind and I realized that maybe I just need a break for a bit. Even though that's the last thing I want to do. I want to be around them, to see their happy times, but I don't want to bring them down, as I know I would. I'm sorry, I'm very sorry.

Help

I've been thinking about helping people lately. Not really thinking I should be helping people, but when your helping someone, or at least your trying and it doesn't seem to be having any effect what so ever. I hate that feeling. Feels like in a way, I've failed that person because I didn't have to answer to their problems. I know you can't help everyone, and sometimes the feeling I hate the most is when you know someone who has a problem, and you did what you could to help but it didn't work and you just weren't saying anything to really help them understand the situation and how to help it, and then.... You find out that they got help from someone else and that person just helped them so much and that everything was lookin a little better. I hate that. Then all I can think about is; why couldn't I do it for them, why did my advice have no effect and someone else's did? I was talking to a good friend and they said something to me that just made me go; I'm such an idiot for thinking that. He said; sometimes its not our calling to help someone but someone else's turn to feel the goodness of helping someone out I know you wish you could help someone out at times but we cant always be the person of great wisdom.

Now there's something to think about.

Iv never had to do such a big thing in my life. I'm so scared that I might so the rong thing and screw things up fore the rest of my life. I'm always trying to think of an alternative answer but I never quite think of something good enough. I'm deeply saddened by what I no I have to do. Some times I wish I could just live a normal happy life... read more here

Songs

Change me; by Sanctus Real


And did I change your mind
with what I felt last night
and did I break your heart
by spreading so far
from what you had in mind
for my life

I want you to change me from who I have been lately
because I know I'm nothing without you

and did my words betray
the patience I once lead
cant you see it in my face
I need your grace

and I want you to change me from who I have been lately
because I know I'm nothing without you
the word is beat to me
it shall be what I need

is the patience, kindness, all that's in between
loving, honest, the way you leave me
I want you to change me from who I have been lately
because I know I'm nothing without you

I want you to break me from the way I have been lately
because I cant see living without you

Been looking around for new christian songs, and this one I can't stop listening too. Same with another but I post them both. Then I'll be done with the song buisness for a bit.

Alive In This Moment

It's been so long since I have met You here
Since I have said these words or cried these tears
And like a child would come I run into our secret place
And as the music fades, the tears are rolling down my face

I am alive in this moment
In this moment I am found
I am alive in this moment
In this moment I belong

It's been so long since I have met You here
Since I have heard You speak or let You near
And like a wayward son I've come with nothing left to hide
Here in this moment I have come to offer up my life

Here only one fire burns, it burns
Here only one melody is heard
Once again for the very first time
My eyes are opening

Servant-hood

I was reading The purpose driven life a while ago and today's chapter was about Thinking like a servant. I have no problem in serving others as well as God. It's just that at times I'd like to have some kind of help. There are times when I clean my house and when I'm finished what I get in return is what I didn't do right or to their standards. It's discouraging on one hand; and on the other it makes me want to try harder next time. The Bible says: "If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life." Now there's where you have to swallow a lot of pride. I mean why would you want to help someone who doesn't even appreciate what your doing? Most of the time, I'm helping out for the right reasons. Occasionally I want that Thank you when I'm done but usually I'd rather do things for people without them really knowing it was me. I don't really want that thank you because I know they appreciate it. Well, most people. I look at certain people and think how can they be living that way, they're being so selfish right now. Don't get me wrong I'm selfish too, everyone is. But there's people I can't get over and just want to tell them what are you doing!? You just got new clothes, why do you need more?. Its so hard to let that stuff go because before I was like that, almost exactly like that and now I give a lot of my clothes away, I spend as much time giving to people because I like to think that when they see that something nice has been done for them they get a little lift in their day. I love that feeling you get when you know you've given something to someone who really needed it, and it always makes me say a thanks to God for giving me those opportunities. Paul said; "Who are you to criticize someone else's servant? The Lord will determine whether his servant has been successful" Those are hard words for me to accept. A part of me is just wanting to to tell those people, just think about someone else, help someone but I know they need to figure it out themselves. It sucks because I worry about my family constantly. They all believe in God, but that's as far as it goes. Their philosophy is; I believe in God, so that means I'm going to Heaven if I'm a good person. That's the way it should be accept, they're being good people according to THEIR standards, not God's. There's something I've been wondering about serving others. Is it alright to days for yourself? Are there days when you think I'd just like to take a long bath after the dishes and spend some time taking care of myself. Lately I've been doing the essential stuff. I get dressed I eat so I'm not hungry and then I go and do what needs to be done. I have showers of course, but I don't spend hours on my hair and make-up and I don't freak out when someone asks me to do something for them. So, the point of this whole thing is can we take time for ourselves, or do we never stop giving?

Love survey

*FILL IT OUT*

Show some love

1. Tell me one thing you love about me.

2. Tell me two things you love about yourself.

3. Look through the comments ~ when you see someone you know, tell them three things you love about them.

4. Do this in your journal so I can tell you what I love about YOU - and if you've already done it, tell me so, so that I can go back and give you some love

The 4 Q's

There are only four questions of value in life:

What is sacred

Of what is the spirit made

What is worth living for

What is worth dying for

All can be answered with only one answer. Love

-Don Juan de Marco

Dying in the Bible

Ok, so I'm reading the Bible ( New testament ) and I'm almost done. Well I'm about half way through. I've been reading it since June and I'm getting confused. There's stories in the Bible about people who have died, being healed and brought back to life. Now isn't that something we shouldn't mess with? I mean they died, God had a plan for them and at the end of that plan, they die. So wouldn't bringing them back be against God?. Well ok unless the plan was to die and then come back. But why would He bother to have them die just to be healed? Its all very confusing.

"Heart" and "Soul"

Why is it that people use the term heart, when it comes to their feelings? Like for instance; "My heart belongs to you, or you've broken my heart etc. Your heart is an organ, can't be broken by feelings, A person can't carry you in their heart when they go away for a long time.. So why say that? I think a way better thing to say would be " my soul" my soul longs for you, my soul feels your pain. Maybe it's just me but somehow it makes way more sense.

New Blog

Got a new blogger, Love you babe. Check him out here

How Great Is Our God

This is one of my favorite songs. Read it, download it. It's great.

~The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice

He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end

The Godhead Three in One
Father Spirit Son
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb

Name above all names
Worthy of all praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God ~

Evil Quote

"Throughout history, it has been the inaction of those who could have acted; the indifference of those who should have known better; the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most; that has made it possible for evil to triumph."

My quiet place

We had girl's night on Tuesday. Kim had the night planned out and did a talk about talking to God. Me personally don;t have an idea when God is talking to me. I mean, I thought I was supposed to be listening for this deep voice, and when He spoke I would get shivers down my spine or something because it felt it was deep inside me but someone else at the same time....If that makes sense. Anyways, I'm guessing I was wrong about that one. Kim had this really good idea where we all separated and went on our own to pray and listen for God, to talk to Him etc. I chose the bathroom and didn't have much luck. A part of me is like you know what, your not listening. I think I just need to sit somewhere quiet for a while today and try to do it again. Many know I'm Irish, not known for patience, and I'm clearly Irish through and through when it comes to that. I mean I won't even wait for internet pages to load if it takes to long. So how am I supposed to sit there quietly listening for God, for 15, 20 maybe even an hour? I've found its also hard to find a quiet place. If you go to your room, eventually someone will come looking for you, or the TV will be on and you can't tune it out. Maybe you could go outside, but then I think of all the people passing and starring wondering what I'm doing. Which doesn't matter and I know that. It's still a little thing with me though, saying Erin people are watching, what are you doing? But God is more important than all those people because He's my Lord, my Father and I'm trying to talk to Him. So sometimes today I will try again, to find my quiet place and have a chat with God today. Wish me luck.

Nothing like it before.

Youth tonight was freakin' amazing. I've never seen anything like that, or seen God so present in a room filled with so many people reaching out to Him. We watched a video about personal and spiritual baggage, that keeps us from leading healthy and faith driven lives, without the hate and revenge. After that, Greg asked if anyone had baggage they wanted to share. And it was all a crying from there. People confessed about their past hurts and their issues they've been silently dealing with, which ultimately let me, let go and let God. Not without the help of Greg and other people who sat with me and prayed for me. I've never had anyone actually pray for me while I was there. It was just so amazing to hear those words and know that they were intended just for me and my struggles. I always knew people loved me, you know family loves me, ( they have to ) friends care etc, but having those people just tell me that they loved me meant so much it was just overwhelming. I went away from tonight feeling so much better. I feel like God lifted us all up together and said to each of us, I'm taking it all away from you, you are my children, and I love you. I feel new in a way, like I can start to live really as God intended. I want to give just really, a special thanks to those people who sat with me and prayed for me, whop gave me hugs and told me that they love me. It's one of the most amazing gifts I know I will ever receive. I've been praying non stop ( it's like my head won't shut up ) and I'm here for anyone and I'm praying for you. Love you guys.

I'm back...With questions...

Alright so I'm back. Everyone excited? Of course. It was fun for the most part. Driving for a long time kinda sucked but all together I had a pretty sweet time. While I was up there I kept thinking bout this one subject or like sub-subject when I was reading the Bible. Anyways, so I know that everything happens for a reason. But is it seriously everything? You know like God planned out that you were going to eat that green apple on Wednesday for whatever reason? And then there's the more serious question... Same subject. Lets say we have.. A "good person" and a "sinner". Now the "sinner" is running round like a crazy person and somehow kills the "good person". Now why would God want the "bad person" to kill the "good person"? They say God has a plan for your life. Was that guys plan to get shot at age 38 and leave a wife and two kids? ( this isn't a personal story I just watch the news too much ) If God didn't want that to happen, then isn't that saying God made a mistake?