Straight from my Irish roots....

I hope and pray that none may kill me,
Nor I kill any, with woundings grim
But if ever any should think to kill me
I pray thee, God, let me kill him

I can't believe I'm Irish. Go me.

Something

You know when people feel sorry for themselves and they tell someone and they agree with you? Okay I might need to explain a little better. Um, okay lets say you are feeling like you aren't doing well in school. And the person your talking to is like yeah, but you can do better. That's when you think to yourself; " No! Your supposed to tell me I'm smart, that I am doing well it's just me being weird."

People never really want the truth, we want to continue feeling sorry for ourselves and have people "babying" you and tell you everything will be okay, your a good person, it's not you, it's just life.

Poem

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others

I love abstract art. I'm sure why but I can appreciate it so much better. The different colors that fact that it allows you to decide what you think it is. My cousin is a painter, amongst other things. There's a painting in my uncles house that I just love, because its a blown up picture of a river and its been blown up so much you can't tell what it is.My uncle being all philosphical, asked me what I thought it was. Me, being technical said; " It's a river, you can see the water, the rocks and the leaves." And he answered with; " That's not right. If you take the rock and leaves and put them together they look like an angel floating in heaven. That's my little girl in that picture." Talk about deep. I wonder if I'll ever be like that....

Hmm.

Realized something today....This blog wasn't for me, it was more putting myself out there, for others to see. It was to see what you would say. It was true, but I wasn't doing it for me. I think this blog should represent my thoughts not to see who will listen and leave comments, but to release anger, happiness love etc. It shouldn't be for anyone but me, and help to grow.

My life alerting quotes

These quotes I was reading, I really took to heart. I couldn't help but get emotional because I felt like I was meant to heat these, to help me change and grow.

Worry and Doubt:

weak persons worry about their goals,strong persons achieve their goals you have any doubts about achieving - then grow stronger and you are sure to achieve

Focus:
if however you focus on temporary values of material love, on mutual rejection, fear and pain that you have in common or that separates you, then all your love may vanish in the spirit and power of your eternal love for your eternal partner

I Miss You:
love him - fully - accept all his / her love
open your heart - say YES to whatever happens next time you meet
say YES to all love - instantly
Do it - all - whatever - at once !
NEVER say "later" or "may be" - do it NOW and give it with all the power of love from the bottom of your heart and soul !
accept all that person has to give you
give all you have to give and could give if you want to give ALL - and do it all at once

A Next Morning:
when you wake up in the morning and HE/SHE wakes up, skin to skin and smiles at you and you LOVE this smile and smiling face - then you are truly in love with that one

I Love You:
when you say "I love you" when you think "I love you" ...
then saying so is worthless and empty of power of love.

when you say "I love you" when you FEEL "I love you" toward that particular person,
then you have caught an instant of mutual opening between the two souls for each other
and you should instantly SAY "I love you"
AND proof it with your instant action of love

God is Loyal to You:
God ALWAYS and eternally has been and will be true to you - whatever you have done, are doing or will be doing. God always spends a substantial amount of efforts, energy and resources creating solutions of love for YOU - for all misguided ones, all lost ones - as well as for all those ready and willing to be an active part of creation ant thus to assist God in his divine plans - NOW - here on earth.

Secrets

Okay I have a secret. I think I'm ready for everyone to know. I watch Oprah on a regular basis. That's right, I just can't help it. I think she's got a good idea about the world and some of the things she talks about really hit home for me. I was watching it today and it was about different cultures around the world, and how women live. For instance; did you know that in Ireland ( woo Ireland! ) that they have already had 2 women presidents. I doubt we're close to having that happen over here.
Iceland is one of the safest places in the world. They're crime statistics barely exist. Women feel comfortable leaving their children, in strollers outside stores while they shop. And nothing happens to them- that's freakin amazing. Also something I found rather astounding, teenagers over there are having sex-and no one cares. Its normal over there to have sex on your first date. People don't judge, and if your a single mom, the more power to ya. Makes me think of how we are "techonogically advanced" but when it comes to things that matter, we are so far behind. The one thing that all these women had to say about Americans ( I guess that would sort of relate to us as well... ) is that our lives are too fast paced. If we slowed down for two minutes to look around, maybe we would actually see people. My mom used to tell about when she went to Madrid. Around noon every shop would close so that the people could relax outside or take a nap, since it was the hottest part of the day. If that happened here, our lives might fall apart.
We are constantly moving around, and if we have absolutely something to do, some of ( like me ) do the un think able. We create drama. Lots of people create their own drama. Let's have a man and a woman walking down the street, now being a woman she might ask if he thought she was fat, or if the lady they just passed was more attractive. What do we call that? Unnecessary drama. The guy loves her, obviously he is going to say she's he best thing in the world, no one can compare to her ( or at least lets hope he said something like that ) but you get the picture. I think us "ladies" are worse for doing that. If there's a guy we know is into them, and you have a boy-friend their most likely to first with him a bit, just to make sure their guy is paying attention. Get them a little jealous so they'll try harder to be with you etc. Its dumb.

I've had a lot of conversations today. More than I had anticipated but I'm so glad they happened. I'm still working on changing, and their are things I didn't even know I had to change. Now that I'm aware however, they will stop. It's something that is more easily fixed. I didn't know I was hurting people when I was. I wasn't being grateful for the people I have in my life, who would do anything for me. I didn't give them the respect they deserved. When I was told, it just blew my whole world away. I had no idea. And I'm sorry for it, deeply sorry. If you read it, you know what I'm talking about. And I will get better at using my voice, I know I matter, I just need to accept it now.

The Balancing Act

Balance: A state in which various elements form a satisfying and harmonious whole and nothing is out of proportion or unduly emphasized at the expense of the rest

Life's all about balance. There's give and take, rich and poor, life and death.

My mom was telling me a story about her friend's son yesterday announcing that he had learned a new game. He said the kids would gather around the playground and then at the designated time, they would all run around it as fast as they could. The child who ran around the most number of times won. His mom said, "That sounds like a great game. Who won?" He responded, "I don't know!" Do you ever get so caught up in your goal, that you forget to enjoy the process? He reminded me that its the process that's important. . Oscar Wilde said, "Life is too important to be taken seriously." It is all about the balance of our focus.


Our lives are measured by many things. Relationships. Families. Wealth. But each of these is connected to who we are and where we come from. In the movie Its A Wonderful Life, George Bailey, could not see his own success until everyone around him showed him. We are all guilty of focusing on the wrong things now and again. These are a few traits I find important in a good person, and good balance.
Compassion. A friend of mine once made a purchase at a local drugstore. The cashier was an African American gentleman. Once the purchase was complete, my friend said, "Thank you sir" to the cashier. As she turned to leave, the cashier stopped her. He said, "I have worked here for 21 years and you are the first person that ever referred to me as sir." My friend was stunned. Compassion is an attitude of care and concern that leads to respect and an understanding of others. When we forget to hear others, we do not truly understand them. Compassion is impossible without generous understanding.
Responsibility. We live in a world where it is much easier to blame others than to take responsibility. Taking responsibility means realizing you do have control over many aspects of life. It means that you must strive for integrity by setting standards for your life. These standards may involve honesty, trustworthiness, loyalty and humility. And, we could all use a regular dose of humility!
Faith. OK, so that's the serious side of life. What about the FUN? Well, humor provides balance by allowing us to see another perspective. For instance, consider this riddle: Why was the man staring at the carton of orange juice? Because it said concentrate! This riddle illustrates that there are connections which are not obvious at first but when we see the relatedness, other possibilities emerge. This can apply to life as well. Wouldn't it be great if you could see other perspectives during times of adversity? A regular dose of humor can help us do that.
Look for humor. A headline in the Washington Times once said, "Lead-lined coffins pose a health risk." Now that's funny. But it also occurred in real life. Had I not been looking, I would have never seen it. Keep your eyes open for humor in your life.
See things from a different perspective. In the movie Dead Poets Society, Robin Williams character had his students stand on their chairs. He said that great authors and great poets took at normal everyday situations from different perspectives. By having the students stand on their chairs, he created that different perspective. How can you see your work or life from a different perspective?
We need to be serious about certain things in our life. The risk is that we take ourselves too seriously. Enrich your life with compassion, responsibility and faith but balance it with a whopping dose of humor along the way. Then you too can balance serious issues with light touch!

- Reading back on that I should completely crazy..... But I think it works, almost as well as prozak.

Songs

Okay quick post for right now, loads more coming later. Just kinda busy at the moment! Anyways, for now, does anyone know the names of the songs we listen to in church or youth? I can't remember the names so I was just wondering if anyone could help me out. Thanks so much :)

Keep Your Fork

A woman was diagnosed with a terminal illness and given three months to live. She asked her Pastor to come to her home to discuss her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at her funeral, and what scriptures she wanted read, and which outfit she wanted to be buried in.

Then she said, "One more thing... I want to be buried with a fork in my hand."

The pastor was surprised.

The woman explained, "In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably say to everyone, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite time of the dinner, because I knew something better was coming, like velvety chocolate cake or deep dish apple pie - something wonderful. So, I want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and wonder, ' What's with the fork?' Then, I want you to tell them, ' Keep your fork, because the best is yet to come.' "

The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he bid the woman goodbye. He realized she had a better grasp of heaven than he did, and knew something better was coming.

At the funeral, when people asked him why she was holding a fork, the pastor told them of the conversation he had with the woman before she died. He said he could not stop thinking about the fork, and knew they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right.

"Keep your fork. The best is yet to come."

CON-CEN-TRATION

I can't concentrate. It feels as if I'm starting to slip away from everything that needs to be done. I'll get out of school, knowing what I need to do and then suddenly it's like as the wind picks up, and begins to blow, my thoughts on homework and other such things are gone and are replaced with bigger things to do. Is this right? Should I be concentrating on my work more since in the end I'll have to get a job and work to earn my living, or should I be more into searching for the rights answers. One of the biggest questions I have right now, or more like, something I just can't get my head around. I've grown up, I don't believe in Santa anymore or the toothfairy, and even the Easter bunny. Because I can't see God working and doing his thing in my life, how am I supposed to keep my faith so strong?
~God works in mysterious ways~ people tell me. What if you feel like he's not working on helping you at all? Does the faith just stay? Or does it slowly fade. Sometimes I feel mine fading into nothing. I look at people like Robin and Greg who are so stoked on talking about God and teaching others about him and I wonder, why can't I be like that? How hard is it to just believe.....
Here's just some random questions that have been bouncing round the o'l noggin:

Why does everything start to get hard, all at once
Can a person really ever change
Will I change
is God listening to my thoughts right now
How can so many people believe in something that no one can see
I can see the way God works for others, why can't I see what He's doing for me
Am I always going to be this way
By changing, am I making a new person out of myself, or is it more like a part of me has died and been born anew....Or could it be me lying to myself again, being something I'm not and hoping it's going to get me further in life.

♥Every Girl Wants A Man That She Can Go Into Her Sweats, Hair A Mess, Make Up Running Down Her Face, Eyes Red From Crying, And The First Thing He Says To Her Is " Baby Youre Beautiful"..And Actually Means It♥

A Truth

When was the last time I wrote something that I was really thinking, and not revising it, making it sound better so I don't sound like such a bad person? When was the last time I did something just because I wanted to.
People tell me I help them. But once I "have" I can't stop wondering; Did I do that to help them or did I do that so that I would feel worthy in knowing their secrets, feeling needed or appreciated. How am I supposed to become a physiatrist when I don't even know how to help myself? You know, sometimes I wonder how much people care about me. I don't doubt they do, but would someone die for me? Probably not. If I were gone who would come to my service and shed a tear for me. Who would come out of respect, and then leave and give it a second thought. It's all crazy talk, but things like that are always floating around my head.
I've been accused at making matters worse for myself. When something bad happens I just make myself suffer more. Why would I do that? Is it true? Would any really want to make themselves suffer more than they really had to. I don't know. Maybe I'm in denial. I don't want to face how bad my life is. Or is this me again, trying to make my life sound worse than it is.
As if things aren't hard enough,I have a problem with trust. I don't. Even if I know what I tell you, you won't repeat or think less of me, I can't do it. I am just so profoundly screwed up that I can't do it anymore. Even if I wanted nothing more. Thinking about that, in my head I keep going " Don't give yourself that much credit Erin". Maybe my life isn't actually that bad. I could be blowing everything way out of proportion. Something my dad says comes to mind; Suck it up, princess. There's only so much sucking up one person can do. People live far worse lives than I do and here I am complaining about everything.
I'm 15. I'm supposed to be excited about going to school so I can see my friends, and have a good time. Not hiding from people so they can't see the real me. The real me isn't a good person. My life is like a lie. I go around pretending everything is just peachy, and it's not. There are times when I just want to be alone to cry hours on end. I could do it too. Just give me a minute to think about all the people I've hurt, the things I've done out of selfishness and I could cry forever.
Despite everything, one thing surprises me the most. I've never lost my faith. I never blame Him. I don't want to cry out and say WHY ME. When something happens to me I look at it as I needed to learn something, I needed to grow. This happened, for this reason, so I could know that this was wrong, that I need to change.
I need to change.

Astrology

Pisces is the sign of deep imagination and compassion. The Pisces man and woman can be very emotional, caring and sensitive to the point that they can actually feel what others do. They have a good sense of how feelings work and will try to avoid hurting others. Pisces also have a very creative imagination that allows them to come up with all kinds of interesting ideas. Sometimes they just waste those ideas on day dreams or fantasies. A Pisces compassion is so strong that they are willing to sacrifice themselves to help strangers. Pisces have a deep desire to understand themselves or others at the deepest level possible. That usually leads them to seek spiritual wisdom from where ever they can find any. They are usually always spiritual people.

Pisces can be overly idealistic at times and they assume that others have good intentions even if they don't. But they still try to help others and try to socialize and connect with others. Pisces usually have very peaceful and caring personalities. Sometimes they'll come across as weak but they're just very receptive and willing to listen when others speak. At times they tend to find ways to show care and hope to those who think that no one really cares. They do their best to help those in need. Pisces can also become dependent, escapist and just decide to live in a dream world. They're usually shy. Sometimes naive to the insensitive ways of the world.

A Table for Two

He sits by himself at a table for two.

The uniformed waiter returns to his side and asks, "Would you like to go ahead and order, sir?" The man has, after all, been waiting since seven o'clock -- almost half an hour.

"No, thank you," the man smiles. "I'll wait for her a while longer. How about some more coffee?"

"Certainly, sir."

The man sits, his clear blue eyes gazing straight through the flowered centerpiece. He fingers his napkin, allowing the sounds of light chatter, tinkling silverware, and mellow music to fill his mind. He is dressed in sport coat and tie. His dark brown hair is neatly combed, but one stray lock insists on dropping to his forehead. The scent of his cologne adds to his clean cut image. He is dressed up enough to make a companion feel important, respected, loved. Yet he is not so formal as to make one uncomfortable. It seems that he has taken every precaution to make others feel at ease with him.

Still, he sits alone.

The waiter returns to fill the man's coffee cup. "Is there anything else I can get for you, sir?"

"No, thank you."

The waiter remains standing at the table. Something tugs at his curiosity. "I don't mean to pry, but..." His voice trails off. This line of conversation could jeopardize his tip.

"Go ahead," the man encourages. His is strong, yet sensitive, inviting conversation.

"Why do you bother waiting for her?" the waiter finally blurts out. This man has been at the restaurant other evenings, always patiently alone.

Says the man quietly, "Because she needs me."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Well, sir, no offense, but assuming that she needs you, she sure isn't acting much like it. She's stood you up three times just this week."

The man winces, and looks down at the table. "Yes, I know."

"Then why do you still come here and wait?"

"Cassie said that she would be here."

"She's said that before," the waiter protests. "I wouldn't put up with it. Why do you?"

Now the man looks up, smiles at the waiter, and says simply, "Because I love her."

The waiter walks away, wondering how one could love a girl who stands him up three times a week. The man must be crazy, he decides. Across the room, he turns to look at the man again. The man slowly pours cream into his coffee. He twirls his spoon between his fingers a few times before stirring sweetener into his cup. After staring for a moment into the liquid, the man brings the cup to his mouth and sips, silently watching those around him. He doesn't look crazy, the waiter admits. Maybe the girl has qualities that I don't know about. Or maybe the man's love is stronger than most. The waiter shakes himself out of his musings to take an order from a party of five.

The man watches the waiter, wonders if he's ever been stood up. The man has, many times. But he still can't get used to it. Each time, it hurts. He's looked forward to this evening all day. He has many things, exciting things, to tell Cassie. But, more importantly, he wants to hear Cassie's voice. He wants her to tell him all about her day, her triumphs, her defeats....Anything, really. He has tried so many times to show Cassie how much he loves her. He'd just like to know that she cares for him, too. He sips sporadically at the coffee, and loses himself in thought,
knowing that Cassie is late, but still hoping that she will arrive.

The clock says nine-thirty when the waiter returns to the man's table. "Is there anything I can get for you?"

The still empty chair stabs at the man. "No, I think that will be all for tonight. May I have the check please?"

"Yes, sir."

When the waiter leaves, the man picks up the check. He pulls out his wallet and signs. He has enough money to have given Cassie a feast. But he takes out only enough to pay for his five cups of coffee and the tip. Why do you do this, Cassie, his mind cries as he gets up from the table.

"Good-bye," the waiter says, as the man walks towards the door.

"Good night. Thank you for your service."

"You're welcome, sir," says the waiter softly, for he sees the hurt in the man's eyes that his smile doesn't hide.

The man passes a laughing young couple on his way out, and his eyes glisten as he thinks of the good time he and Cassie could have had. He stops at the front and makes reservations for tomorrow. Maybe Cassie will be able to make it, he thinks.

"Seven o'clock tomorrow for party of two?" the hostess confirms.

"That's right," the man replies.

"Do you think she'll come??" asks the hostess. She doesn't mean to be rude, but she has watched the man many times alone at his table for two.

"Someday, yes. And I will be waiting for her." The man buttons his overcoat and walks out of the restaurant, alone. His shoulders are hunched, but through the windows the hostess can only guess whether they are hunched against the wind or against the man's hurt.

As the man turns toward home, Cassie turns into bed. She is tired after an evening out with friends. As she reaches toward her night stand to set the alarm, she sees the note that she scribbled to herself last night.

"7:00," it says. "Spend some time in prayer." Darn, she thinks. She forgot again. She feels a twinge of guilt, but quickly pushes it aside. She needed that time with her friends. And now she needs her sleep. She can pray tomorrow night. Jesus will forgive her.

And she's sure he doesn't mind.