A Truth
When was the last time I wrote something that I was really thinking, and not revising it, making it sound better so I don't sound like such a bad person? When was the last time I did something just because I wanted to.
People tell me I help them. But once I "have" I can't stop wondering; Did I do that to help them or did I do that so that I would feel worthy in knowing their secrets, feeling needed or appreciated. How am I supposed to become a physiatrist when I don't even know how to help myself? You know, sometimes I wonder how much people care about me. I don't doubt they do, but would someone die for me? Probably not. If I were gone who would come to my service and shed a tear for me. Who would come out of respect, and then leave and give it a second thought. It's all crazy talk, but things like that are always floating around my head.
I've been accused at making matters worse for myself. When something bad happens I just make myself suffer more. Why would I do that? Is it true? Would any really want to make themselves suffer more than they really had to. I don't know. Maybe I'm in denial. I don't want to face how bad my life is. Or is this me again, trying to make my life sound worse than it is.
As if things aren't hard enough,I have a problem with trust. I don't. Even if I know what I tell you, you won't repeat or think less of me, I can't do it. I am just so profoundly screwed up that I can't do it anymore. Even if I wanted nothing more. Thinking about that, in my head I keep going " Don't give yourself that much credit Erin". Maybe my life isn't actually that bad. I could be blowing everything way out of proportion. Something my dad says comes to mind; Suck it up, princess. There's only so much sucking up one person can do. People live far worse lives than I do and here I am complaining about everything.
I'm 15. I'm supposed to be excited about going to school so I can see my friends, and have a good time. Not hiding from people so they can't see the real me. The real me isn't a good person. My life is like a lie. I go around pretending everything is just peachy, and it's not. There are times when I just want to be alone to cry hours on end. I could do it too. Just give me a minute to think about all the people I've hurt, the things I've done out of selfishness and I could cry forever.
Despite everything, one thing surprises me the most. I've never lost my faith. I never blame Him. I don't want to cry out and say WHY ME. When something happens to me I look at it as I needed to learn something, I needed to grow. This happened, for this reason, so I could know that this was wrong, that I need to change.
I need to change.
3 Comments:
Hey Erin
Life is hard but u never have to walk it alone there is ALWAIS people who care and will walk by your side. The love I have for you can drown my hart in joy in my greatest sorrows and pain. On my worst of days, u can bring a smile to my face with just a mere glance at your presence.
I will always be there for you no matter what and I would die for you without thought or hesitations, as I would for any of my friends and family.
If you where ever to pass away I would be at the service shedding every possible tear in my body. I would morn for many years over all the good times and the bad. Some may say the love between two teenage kids is mere puppy love and is meaning less but what if that same love were expressed and respected the same as that of husband and wife? Could it be so, or is it just fairy tail?
Yes you are a girl of 15, but that is what you are. You are not super woman can not solve the entire worlds problems on your own, iv tried and got very sick over it. And I don’t want to see you make the same mistake.
When you say you live your life like a lie and you have to put on a mask to show your fine, I know when that mask is on, I can see it in your eyes. Iv seen you at your worst and maybe you should take a moment to cry let out every feeling u have built up inside of you and just pray, pray for forgiveness, pray for happiness, or just pray for better days. I’m glad you still have your faith, I lost mine a long time ago and I’m not sure if it will ever go seeking for it. At the end of the twisty trail of your life, there will be a golden gate and you poses the key to that gate, just never lose that key on your many travels.
Love logan
Erin, yo do matter. Remember that. I used to always think that no one would show up at my funeral if I died. Now I know my husband would and so would my best friends. My best friend told me not to forget about my church family and I shrugged it off and said that they would forget about me within a week. I got "the look" from her and a few other friends. I know that it is not true but deep down you think it is.
It is hard to solve other people's problems but just even being there for them can help to make all the difference in the world.
Masks are bad, bad things. Those that love us the most see right through them, hence your boyfriend. I would say loose that mask but then I would be a hypocrite. I hide behind mine sometimes.
When something bad happens people can tend to make matters worse. I know that I have for myself. It only makes you suffer in the long run.
Trust is a huge thing. It only takes one time for that to be ruined too. It takes time.
Don't hide, it's the worst thing you can do.
I think your post gave me a blog idea. Email me.
You are loved. Don't forget it.
Found you're blog through random linkage...
That's a very honest post. And if you can be that honest in a public forum, you're doing very well indeed.
Later,
Mike.
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