The Starting Line

Years in the making

2009-08-27T19:03:00.002-07:00

So I've been gone a while... a long while. Guess I just didnt have anything to say. I most likely just got lazy. Im gunna have to give some thought into an actual good blog but just so everyone knows... ( even though I'm sure no one is reading ) I'm back.

2006-08-22T17:37:00.000-07:00

My eyes narrow as I see the name. My stomach flips and the imaginary butterflies within are fluttering. It's just so soon. It wasn't meant to be, yet here I am left wanting. How can that be? I know the appropriate emotions to have at this point, but rationality has flown out the window along with all reason. My heart sinks as I understand that they have moved forward with their lives, whilst I am continuously struggling to fathom that I have been left behind. My feelings are not as they should be, but there is a point where you cannot control their intensity.

2006-08-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

I can feel the despair creeping to the front of my mind in the dead of night. Lonely hours spent pondering endless possibilities. You wonder if your soul will ever know the pleasure of rest. The emotions are swirling, and not knowing which to choose; you endure the pain of them all. The hours pass by, your memories will not cease to replay themselves in the depths of your consciousness. You ask yourself millions of questions, to which you are well aware will forever be left unanswered. You can smile because you are hopeful, and weep because you know your hope will remain unfulfilled. Those thoughts are brewing towards the surface and you cannot hide. You make an attempt to swallow down your anger and frustration, your only solution is to wait, in absolute silence.

What has the world come to

2006-07-15T00:17:00.000-07:00

Desperate woman bent on having a date here.
I've never felt so ashamed to be a woman in my entire life.

2006-07-12T15:59:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have those moments where you want to overhaul your life? You want to read a book that will give you the how to's with tips and strategies for when life throws those curveballs. You want to somehow just get over yourself.You want to be happy all the time. You want to greet people and have them feel good on the inside because of your presence. You want to impact people. You want to stop your love for complaining.
I love the rain. It makes me feel more comfortable with my surroundings. I can somehow feel "myself" come out a little easier. Everything feels cozy in a sense. Peaceful. There's a great smell that comes with the rain. It smells clean, fresh. I adore it. Blogging has been on hold for some time. Basically meaning I'm writing these thoughts to myself, which is kind of relaxing.

2006-07-07T23:17:00.000-07:00

At some point I'm gunna have to look in the mirror and say hey, you and me are stuck together, so we gotta make this work.

Sweet Postcard

2006-07-04T16:07:00.000-07:00

Nice and Toasty

2006-06-26T13:52:00.000-07:00

I've discovered, that although I have made many attempts, and am still convinced I look better tanned, I do not tan well. I'm Irish. It's in my blood and I am now fully resigning to tanning the way I was in the past. I will from this day forward have SPF 30 at hand all summer. I only wish I had realized this before my stupid mistake of no sunscreen while berry picking. I'm hot, burnt and crispy. I'm confined to the indoors sitting on the couch ( but not laying against it ) because I've burnt my entire back, so much so that I have 1st degree burn and am now to my delight, developing blisters. Sometimes I wish I could knock myself out just to have a few hours with no pain. And I'm not one to complain. I've tried to look at the positives.
1. At least it's not my entire body
2. If I don't move at all, it only hurts a little.
3. It will fade eventually...
4. I only get woken up from it a few times a night
5. I feel no pain in the shower, if the water is very cold.
So I'm not doing so bad. Not the greatest start to the summer but hey, I've researched all I can, and this thing should be outta here in less than a week. :)

The Sunscreen Song

2006-05-04T18:20:00.000-07:00

~ I know it's a long one, but you get through it quickly, and its pretty sweet

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.

Oh nevermind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.

But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked.

You're not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.

Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy.

Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.

The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive.

forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your
life, the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives.

some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children,maybe
you won't.

maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

what ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can.

don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for
good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.

live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old.

and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you.

Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia.

dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Procrastinating

2006-05-02T20:45:00.000-07:00

I don't want to start soul searching. I'm afraid of what I'll uncover. I don't the emotions to be at the surface. I don't want to take the time.

The Passion

2006-04-13T18:25:00.000-07:00

I'm going through the cycles. I can feel things happening all around me. I've been blessed in so many different aspects of my life, it takes a moment for it to all sink in. But it doesn't. Just like when something bad happens. It doesn't really phase me. I'm just numb. I feel a joy within myself when it comes to God, but I immediately repress it, because I'm too afraid to show it.

Moving Forward

2006-04-07T09:05:00.000-07:00

Everything is happening all at once. I had an interview last night and I think it went really well. I've been praying like crazy that I'll be able to get the job. I just want to work somewhere other than Subway. I went into the Driver's Services and got my L yesterday. It's weird at how excited I was, and then how fast it went away. I don't really know how to explain it. I'm not really excited to drive, I'm scared I'm going to hurt someone. Mom didn't seem to excited for me, I thought she would have been, but she's probably not looking forward to having to teach me. Anyways, I've got pretty much everything I've wanted. It's all working out for me. I just need to have God by my side, which is getting there, I think. As they say, you just need to get all your ducks in a row.

2006-04-05T10:36:00.000-07:00

There's a problem with me and I don't know what it is.
It seems like everyone else is able to figure it out, while I'm left in the dark.
Why don't I have the eyes to see?
For every step I take, the devil pushes me backwards
Will I ever see the light

2006-03-07T07:59:00.000-08:00

I don't really know why I haven't been writing much. Well I do, but it's a stupid thing to think. I have to keep reminding myself not to look at the comment numbers so much. It doesn't mean people aren't interested in what I have to say. Anyways, things have been amazing. God is showing me Himself in ways I had always been aware of, but I've just now started listening. I bought the Message yesterday. I love it already. I'm officially 16. Now all I need is a drivers book.

2006-02-24T08:06:00.000-08:00

Anyone besides me having problems with the whole "servanthood" thing?

Verdict...

2006-02-08T19:25:00.000-08:00

How do people manage not to judge? Not to compare?

I know what judging means. "to criticize or condemn somebody on moral grounds"
How do we manage not to do this, without seeming like you don't care about the situation...Lets say, we have a girl that knows her best friend is in a abusive relationship. She hates the guy for doing that to her friend. She can tell her friend, but it's up to the girl to leave him. And she doesn't. So now she's upset with her friend too. She's judged them both. How is she supposed to feel? If she's a Christian and knows not to judge one another does she say oh well that's too bad? That doesn't sound like someone who cares. So what does she do?.

Compare:"to be equal or similar in quality or standing, especially to be as good as another"
I find myself in so many situations when something as gone right for someone and I think that's so great....And then the feeling creeps in, why can't that happen for me? I feel the same, I do the same things, why didn't it work out..And then the jealousy. It only takes a minute for that to happen. And then your stuck with it. Its hard to get out of jealousy. As much as you think your happy for them, you in a way resent that it didn't happen to you. So, last question, how do you get yourself outta that one?

Dream Prayer

2006-01-27T08:15:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to talk to God all week. Doesn't seem to be working. I talk, I try to listen, I try to find my center, when I'm in cafeteria, measuring out cookie dough. It's just not working for me. Then, couple nights ago, I had a dream. The problem is;I don't remember it. The only thing I do remember is that I was having a conversation with God, and he was talking back to me. I was in that state where you know you're dreaming, but your kind of awake. I could hear myself talking to him, and a voice that I recognized as His. When I woke up, I had no idea what was said by either of us. I woke up full of joy, which slowly diminished as the day rolled by, I'm still trying to hold onto that feeling though. I want to know it when I'm awake.

Diable

2006-01-24T15:20:00.000-08:00

I'm having some trouble with Satan. The fact is, I have an insanely hard time believing in him. A harder time than before I believed in Jesus. It just doesn't seem right. -Aren't we the ones messing up? Not because someone was stalking us and trying to tie our shoes in knots so we fall? It just doesn't seem probable to me. Aren't I the one making the mistakes?
Because we are Christians is it fair to chalk it up to Satan whenever we mess up. I feel like when I was little. I didn't break the lamp....The devil did. He made me. Not that I think people can make anyone, do anything. We always have a choice. So I suppose its much better for me to say "he tempted me." I made the choice to listen to him however. I didn't have to. So how is it that you know when the devil is influencing your thoughts, or is it God. I know it might seem obvious to know the difference, but lets say that you have this great job, and your boss tells you, that do move up you need to move across the country. You go to consult God and you swear he keeps telling you not to go. But was that really God talking there? Or is Satan trying to keep us from our dreams. You could decide that's what happened. That you really should move. But then there's the wonder if, what if it God. What if the plane crashes that I'll be on? Or maybe when you arrive you find that your new position in work doesn't fit with your morals, that you have to compromise who you are to work in your now current conditions.
I guess my main question is; how do you who's who? Who's playing God and who's trying to ruin your life.

Yet another quiz

2006-01-21T19:24:00.000-08:00

Your Inner Muse is Urania

You are most like this muse of astronomy.
Your head is in the stars, and you look to the future.
You give off a heavenly, mysterious vibe.
And you're not too bad at predicting the future.

What Muse Are You?

Change of plans

2006-01-21T18:58:00.000-08:00

So I'm not quite doing what I had expected. I thought I was taking some time to think and such, but I guess God was like, there's more important things going on. I'm still taking some time, I'm just doing it while still with Logan. When the whole thing happened this week, there wasn't a question that he was where I needed to be. So God had different plans. Not to say I shouldn't take the time to get to know him better, but maybe that I don't need to stop some of my life to do so. I just need to manage my time better. Go to him with things instead of relying on myself. I just know that my life could be better. Only He can give that to me, but I have to let Him first.

Prayer Request

2006-01-18T07:10:00.000-08:00

Logan's currently in the hospital. He was sent from school because of a seizure, he had a major one over night. He could really use from prayer. I'll try and keep everyone updated.

Alone with myself

2006-01-16T11:17:00.000-08:00

Being alone is not something I like to do very often. Really alone. I'm alright with being alone in the house, reading or watching TV. But when I just have my thoughts and I'm forcing myself to do nothing else, it scares me. I don't know how to act around certain people. I don't really know what I'm like so I can't be "myself" with other people. Well, that's not entirely true. I've found a few people, and I mean like 1 or 2, that I can be open with, and I just don't understand why I can't be like that all the time. So now I'm alone, working on myself and having to rely completely on God to be my everything, my friend, my mentor, the one that listens to me cry in the early morning and the one who puts me to sleep with His soft words. I need to get to know Him, go get to know myself. I can already see it's going to take a long time, I'm not even looking forward to it. But I need to do this until I know, because I don't want to have to do this again later.

Rants, Wishes and Dreams

2006-01-13T08:06:00.000-08:00

Went to the prayer meeting on Tuesday. I left with a feeling of hope for the week, and the hope that tomorrow would be a good day. My "happy feeling" only lasted about 20 mins after I got home. I guess that's what happens when life hits you.
I was thinking last night about this issue I've had for some time, I just never thought I should tell anyone. It would make me seem weak, or undesirable or something of that nature.
Grade 8 was a long time ago. Sometimes that's the year I miss the most. Not because it was easy but because I had friends. Throughout the years I gave those friends up. Not because I thought I was better but because our common interests were no longer the same. They loved talking about the latest thing some girl did to her boy-friend. I wanted to talk about why we couldn't all just get along. I was looking at the bigger picture. I think right now that's my down fall. My brain is somehow too mature for my age. I can laugh and joke and everything, but when people make comments, racist jokes I just don't find them funny. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't different from everyone else my age. That I could somehow rewind and go back to when I was 12 and then I could interact with people I do now. Then I would know what it's like again to have a bunch of friends, but more importantly, the select few that I could count on, that could count on me. I could tell my secrets to them and not worry that everyone would be talking about them the next day. I wish I had friends that would want to hang out with me, for me and not just because I could help them with their homework or give them a piece of advice.
It's not all their fault though. I admit there are times when people ask me to do things and I'm just not in the mood. I think what I need to do is put myself out there more, be willing to go to people instead of wait for people to come to me. Like Greg said on Tuesday, lets end prayer in a dream.
I dream of a day when I have real friends.

My Relationship with Jesus

2006-01-05T18:25:00.000-08:00

I've been putting off this post a long time. It's been walking around with me for a bout a month now. I just kept convincing myself I didn't have the time, even though I had the time to sit and watch Tv for hours. For me, its always been the goal to have a relationship with God. Yes Jesus was our savior, but we want the big guy to talk to us. I don't think I've heard someone say I got this message from Jesus to do something, it's usually I got the message from God. I've actually never really thought about it twice. To try and establish a reltaionship with Jesus. Why really? There's God. Yes Jesus was the Son, but weren't they the same person? God is a human uniform. So isn't it really, thanking God for sending himself down, and then moving right along to have your relationship with GOD. Maybe I need someone to explain it to me. I just can't really comprehend why we need a relationship with both, when they are in fact the same person.

2005-12-23T09:49:00.000-08:00

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You're a great thinker and a true philosopher.
You'd make a talented professor or writer.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

Unconditional Love

2005-12-22T16:55:00.000-08:00

I witnessed something just now, that broke my heart, and made me smile at the same time. Noah, our dog belongs to my dad. My dad saw him when he was ready to be taken home, and weeks before that. He is the one that feeds him, and lets him sleep right beside him. He plays with him when he gets home, even if that means its 11 at night.
Dad came home for a few moments before heading back out. Noah saw him and when he left, Noah didn't understand what had happened. Dad's car was still there. But where was he? Noah in a panic has been whimpering at the front door, only to run to the window moments later to see if he's back yet. It actually makes me want to cry. What I saw was an example of unconditional love. He wags his tail no matter what, whenever dad comes home. If he digs in the garden only to get yelled at, he still comes back ready to play. Noah doesn't hold grudges. He's ready and willing to love dad for whatever happens. And now he's gone and Noah will wait until he gets home, so he can wag his tail and play with his companion.
Man's Best Friend.

2 more days.....

2005-12-22T09:19:00.000-08:00

2 more days till Christmas. Holy Crap. I need more time. As much as I'm excited , I'm nervous. I'm nervous that the gifts I bought for people won't go over well. That they'll get me something better and I'll feel guilty for not doing more. Some of the gifts I got, I had a hand in doing. Like for my dad. We won't say what though. But what if because I'm not that good at it, he won't like it. Of course he'll say he does, he has to. But who knows. Anyways, guess I should stop worrying. It is the holiday season. I'm going to Logan's tomorrow night. I'm excited because I finally get to know what he's been doing for the past few months. Now the only thing is, what am I going to wear?.Well here's to God, I thank Him for sending down his Son, and that we all remember that he was born that day, and that this Christmas we will honor the Man that died for us.

Renovating

2005-12-20T11:45:00.000-08:00

I've re- made my blog again. I felt like I needed it lighter. I guess it might be because I feel lighter. I was looking at Lori's blog and after I read it I couldn't get over how much I loved it. I wanted a blog that had simplicity, but that had some depth to it's words. So I opted for a new template.

2005-12-19T20:16:00.000-08:00

what do you do when you know someone isn't in a healthy relationship, and you can't stand to have to prepare your heart to break for them anymore.

Christmas EXTRAVAGANZA

2005-12-17T10:10:00.000-08:00

We had our Christmas extravaganza last night, put on by Yay God. There wasn't too many people, I'd say a perfect group for the relay races and the games they had to do. I personally wasn't feeling well but wanted to see the events so I became a judge, to make sure certain teams weren't cheating....As if Christians cheat J/K. It was funny, gross and amazing to see what these kids would do. They had 4 corner soccer, pretty usual. They had relay races pulling people on scooters and piggy-back races. Again, usual. Then the fun stuff happened. We had them race to grab all the ingredients for an ice cream float. They then had to mix it all together( gallon on ice cream, 3 2L of pop and some bananas ) and they had to eat it all. The next and final "race" was the most interesting of all. 6 people had to run to the other side of the gym, and when they came back there would be something gross waiting or them. Now most of them were littler so it was pretty cool. First was the cup of lemon juice. Second 2 raw eggs. Third, Tabasco sauce. Fourth, a bowl of flour. And fifth they had to down a gallon of milk. This one was obviously for the older kids. Which of course Logan participated. Logan finished first, which meant the final person had to catch themselves a live goldfish....To eat. Its crazy what our youth will think up. I had a good time just watching. It was a great way to end the youth/yay God year.
And Logan I'm so proud of you, I don't think I've ever seen you throw-up that many times..I don't really want to again, but I'm so impressed that you did that.

Last day of school, and My dream girl

2005-12-16T09:25:00.000-08:00

Its the last day of school. I can't say I'm not excited. It's a bit of a drag that my parents are both sick, but at the same time I couldn't be happier that Christmas is almost here. I'm not completely prepared for it, I haven't even attempted at wrapping, but hey, I've got a week right?. I feel better than last time I wrote, I was reading last night and some of the information brought on such relief for me. I still feel a little strange, like I can't quite tap into the right emotions, or have my emotions really show through my actions. I'm working on it though and I definitely feel better than yesterday.
I've got a person I'm my mind, and she's great. She's kind and thoughtful, soft spoken but makes her voice heard. She's smart and polite. She doesn't have bad hair days and she can look great in sweat pants and a sweatshirt. She respects people and they respect her in return. She has a beauty that cannot be described, because it is her goodness that shines through from the inside. She has God as her right hand Man, he is always there to talk and to listen. She has a good family life, her parents and her get along so well. And her boy-friend is always happy to see her, and to show her love.
Now why is it, that I can't be that. That person of who I want to be is right there, and I can't seem to grab her hand. When I am faced with opportunities, I fall short, until after when I think of what I should have done, if I'd not acted so quickly. I pray one day she comes out of hiding, and I can be the person I see God wants me to be.

Me in a nutshell

2005-12-12T12:31:00.000-08:00

I haven't been blogging in a long time a part of me doesn't have the motivation. No one reads this blog so why bother. I guess I have to remember this blog is more for me and not so much everyone else. So here's the update on me;
Me and God, not so great. I dunno what it is but I must have done something to make it so I can't even feel him around anymore. I feel like my life is going pretty good, I mean there's always little problems but I think I should at least be getting some kind of contact. I know its not Him, it's me, I'm just not sure why.
Family; doing good. We're all getting along, which is kinda strange sometimes but I'm glad we've come together to really be a family.
Friends; ummm same as always, my friends are there for me and I'm there for them, I guess it's more of a sub category, I don't think I'm giving my friends a lot of attention, I know people are busy but I should make more of an effort.
Love; it's good, I really can't complain. Everything's been going smooth, I hate having fights about nothing so I'm glad Logan and I haven't really had much of those. We've had our fair share of problems, I guess I'm just trying to be a bit more passive, things that can matter won't in a couple weeks so why waste time arguing about them.
School; almost done. So happy bout that. I can't wait till I don't have to wake up at 7 anymore. My grades are good, I got my science up from a 65 to a 73 so that was good that I took the time to do that.
Me; I'm good all around. I'm going through some weird kind of thing where I can't stand to just stay still. I cleaned the house all day Saturday and when I was done I didn't want to sit down, I just wanted something else to do.... Not sure what that means. I was sick but not anymore, I got over that pretty quick which was good cuz I get sick way to easy.
So there's me in a nutshell. I'll try to keep updating.

Life Intructions

2005-11-23T09:41:00.000-08:00

I was reading Annette's blog and I read the part about intructions for life. I won't re-write it, she had dibbs but I'll post a link that can show you all of them.

Dali Lama;Intructions for Life

Poetry

2005-11-22T08:07:00.000-08:00

A poem I found that really got to me. It's directed at someone, I won't say who though. May or may not be who you think...

I want to be beautiful
And make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart
And be amazed
I want to hear you say
That who I am is quite enough
I just want to be worthy and beautiful in your eyes.

Balance

2005-11-19T20:25:00.000-08:00

I've figured out that everything has a fine balance. I knew that for a while, but I'm really seeing that these past few days. And its been a very fine line.... You can be with someone but if you say something wrong, that took a second to say, and you weren't even quite sure of the extent of what you said, it becomes a huge deal and you can't help but wonder; where did that whole thing come from. We know everything happens for a reason, and I've noticed the differences that could have happened if I'd made a different decision. Most of the time it's a simple decision and most of the time it's "oh thank God I didn't do that"... I hate it though when it's the " I wish I'd done that instead"

It's been hard for me to balance everything. I've been so busy with some things I almost forget about the other ones that I really wanted to do. I hate how I can't just have everything fit. Sometimes I swear God should have put more days in the week. Then I'd probably get more things done. As long as its more weekend days ;)

So here it goes.

2005-11-18T13:48:00.000-08:00

Life's been hectic. K well never mind that, that's a lie. I don't really know why it takes me so long to write something, even though I'm on the computer. I just can't seem to think of it until I'm doing something else. Report cards are out; 3 A's, 1 B. Not bad for the first report card. I've been concentrating a lot on school lately. I guess I just see it as this huge opportunity to make a difference. I was watching Oprah ( I know I know ) and something she said really got to me. Education is freedom. I find that is so true. Without a good education I will not reach any of the goals I have for myself.
Lately it's like I've got a million things I want to do when I'm "older". I can't think of a lot of short term goals. I find a new career I want to go for every week. I was sure of what I wanted to be, and now I keep finding these other aspects of life that I am so interested in. What's interesting is none of them are related. Well, I suppose the only link is that I want to help. First it was people, help them by counseling. Then I wanted to get into nutrition and help people make good choices for their bodies. Now I want to help the Earth, in less polluting and showing people what they can do to make sure that we are taking care of one of the most precious gifts; a place to live. It's so confusing.
I'm desperate for a job. I don't think I act like it though, I've applied to 2 places, I really want one, but at the same time I don't want to realize it's time for me to start making my own money. Which is why, you see an ad for Google. I get money if I put that up there. Cool huh? I can't figure out what the bad part about it is, it seems so easy...There's gotta be something wrong. I guess I'll find out as I go.
God and I have been good. I've figured out what it was that I had to stop to make him start talking to me, showing me where to go, what to do. I'm so glad I finally have someone to talk to before I go to bed and I don't feel like I was just talking to a wall. I can seem him around all the time. I must say thanks 10 times a day, just because he's made my life easier in some little way.
Well, that's my life in a nutshell, not all of it. But it's a start in returning to my blogging ways.

is this supposed to be good?

2005-11-12T12:33:00.000-08:00

Your Personality Profile

You are pure, moral, and adaptable.
You tend to blend into your surroundings.
Shy on the outside, you're outspoken to your friends.

You believe that you live a virtuous life...
And you tend to judge others with a harsh eye.
As a result, people tend to crave your approval.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

back....kinda

2005-11-11T11:13:00.000-08:00

computer's been done for almost a week. ive changed some more, I feel more.... something. I think I might need to change my blog again, to express myself....again. More stuff later, its too early

Too far for comfort

2005-11-03T12:23:00.000-08:00

K so I haven't posted in a while. No idea why really. I'm sitting in Capp right now, doing a project on the computer. I was just talking to someone beside me who said that they used to go to church. She decided that she could not fit God into her schedule. In my head I'm thinking, she's a great person, too bad she won't make it to heaven. And that's what brought me here, because I have judged her, and thought that I knew where she was going because of one thing she'd said.

I don't know where I am with God right now. I feel comfortable, and at the same time I feel so far away. I don't hear him talk, I barely get the hints he leaves me anymore. I don't understand it. I was doing so well and now it's like I dreamed up that whole relationship I was building and now I'm left with nothing but to start over. I pray, not as often; but none the less I'm still there praying for people, for myself and that my life will turn out the way he wanted it to. Why is it that I feel that God is looking at me and saying you've got this totally wrong, your looking at this from the wrong perspective, your not doing what I wanted you to do.... How are you supposed to answer that?

Reality or the Surreal Life?

2005-10-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

Has it ever occurred to anyone that celebrities are the exact same as we are? Of course they spend obscene amounts of money and seem to look perfect all the time, but they do normal things that everyone does, and somehow they turn it into am amazing thing, like no one has ever done it before. Here's some examples:

Anybody Can Have A Baby

It seems that all young female celebrities can talk about these days is the need to procreate. While I have nothing against the desire to have a child, I do have a problem with the "amazing experience" that seems to go along with it. We all know its amazing, but in no way can you be that happy all the time. Anyone who pays any attention to Britney Spears and her recent childbearing debacle is likely to leave with the impression that having a baby is just another fun activity on the agenda she calls 'life'. It seems she is spreading the message that being pregnant is great because you can eat whatever you please and get loads of attention - never mind the fact that you're bringing an actual child into the world.

Your Lives Aren't That Interesting

There is a strange aura of importance that follows those who find themselves in the celebrity spotlight. Whether it's Angelina Jolie spreading warm and fuzzy feelings by adopting orphaned children, or Mary-Kate Olsen moving from NYC to LA, there is the overall sentiment that these actions are somehow extra important. I'm not here to rag on Angelina, but plenty of people have adopted children from other countries and it didn't make the 5 o'clock news. Just like Mary-Kate, scores of teenagers and young adults decide to forgo university each September and it really isn't so monumental.

It is a common belief that many celebrities are super humans who never get cellulite, enjoy blemish-free skin and can shed baby weight in a matter of days. In many ways, they don't seem human at all. Although celebrities must endure the criticism of the general public when it comes to their looks, they are also sending the very clear message that looking bad is certainly not permitted.While celebrities can get personal chefs, trainers and diet coaches, the rest of us must resort to crash dieting or over exercising in an effort to obtain our impression of beauty. And even if we don't buy into the belief that a perfect body is necessary, we still witness the constant stream of messages on TV and in the movies, telling us it really is.

We revere celebrities because they are famous, which is merely a result of the attention we choose to give them. We just can't win.

The "Worry-ers"

2005-10-18T12:15:00.000-07:00

Why is it that people are so crazy about change. I mean granted I am too but there comes a point where its like I just can't worry about this anymore. I feel kinda bad most of the time. I hear about people staying up and night and not being able to eat etc etc. To me it just seems crazy. How can people beat themselves up like that thinking about all the possibilities and the what if's. I just can't do it. I can't waste my time on worrying. That makes me sound really un-sympathetic but it's true. God knows the outcome, knows what is going to happen whether you like it or not. What I do at the end of the day is sit there and list my fears, and I give them to God to worry about. Because by me worrying, it wont change a thing on what will happen.

2005-10-15T10:41:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make, that I've kept semi-secret. I'm not even sure why.
I am I love with.... the ocean. Any body of water will do it. But the salt in the air, the breeze, the sand. It makes me feel like I am at home. Ever since I was about 7 I promised myself that I would live by the water when I grew up. I still have that fantasy and I pray still that it will come true for me. Whenever I'm near an ocean, which isn't very often I'm so excited I want to stay out there all day. So if anyone wants to buy me a house by the water, or even better, wants to buy me an ocean; let me know.

A quote from the master

2005-10-14T21:39:00.000-07:00

i'm finding that more and more i need to find happiness inspite of my circumstances, not because of them. stuff can drive you nuts. can take you out.

i also think that you need to find minutes of joy, not look for hours. it makes the other crap bearable.

~ S. Williams

2005-10-14T21:34:00.000-07:00

God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on a cruel cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is, "The son, the son, who'll take the son?" Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.... more here

Flickr

2005-10-12T15:06:00.000-07:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

in with the new?

2005-10-12T14:43:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about getting a new blog. haha maybe im under the influence of Jill, im not sure. I just want to express myself with my words and not worry what people will say. Maybe I need a blog and not tell anyone about it. or maybe just a few, just rant and what not. I'll think about it

Dwelling

2005-10-09T09:03:00.000-07:00

I figured out, well I've known for a long time that the past is hard to deal with. Especially other peoples. I don't like admitting mistakes that have happened in my past. I've actually gotten pretty good at pretending it was a dream, and sometimes I can even manage to think it never really happened. It doesn't work though, every once in awhile I get a reminder, and it all comes back. This week I've been struggling with someone else's past. I just couldn't accept it. I tried so hard to make myself think that it didn't matter. But late at night I think about it. I think about the things that might have taken place during that time in their life. I still block it from my mind because I don't want to think about it at all. What really kills is that I can't just say, it's alright it was part of your past. It's over now. It may be over for them, but to me its still there even though I wasn't even there. I'm working on it. Slowly, and I'm not patient so its sounds like I'll feel this way forever but I don't want to, right now I'm still in that stage where I'm trying to hit outta my head so it'll drop out and never come back in.

Lori's Game

2005-10-04T09:48:00.000-07:00

26 For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread: and the adulteress will hunt for the precious life.

I was talking about the book of Proverbs and how we should not give into temptation....I was pretty profound back then.. haha

Instructions are as follows:

1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

I tag Scott,Tj,Mark ( Greenshields ), Logan, Misty

(Have fun!)

Uh oh

2005-10-02T13:56:00.000-07:00

Somethings up with my blog.... Annette!! HELP!

10 dollars at Tiffany's

2005-10-01T20:48:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a long time. Not too sure why, I suppose I'm letting my "busy" schedule get the better of me. Anyways, I'm watching Breakfast at Tiffany's and I can't help but keep wanting to go to Tiffany's and be able to buy something for 10 dollars. Like the movie says; Nothing bad can happen to you in Tiffany's.

2005-09-21T21:41:00.000-07:00

Simplicity

2005-09-21T18:59:00.000-07:00

As some other people were commenting about Michelle's blog, I thought I'd go check it out. I found myself wanting to do the same thing she was. She is advertising a simple life and that's something I wish I had from time to time. People say that I've got it easy right now, wait till I have a job and everything else, but that's what I'm working towards. I hate school. I'm just trying to get passed it so I can get on to doing the things I love to do. Anyways, back to simplicity. Finding God on a day to day basis is hard. I feel he's distant right now and I'm trying even more than usual to listen up. I can't really get anything, just little nudges, Erin this isn't doesn't feel right does it? Stop. Walk away now I want time with you. Guess that's a good start. What I'm thankful for today

~ Warm showers and clean clothes
~ Music that speaks to me
~ A God that listens all the time
~ People who love me all the time, even if its not as obvious

What do your features say about you

2005-09-20T16:46:00.000-07:00

I was reading an article about what your features says about you. I thought it might be interesting. I found it however kind of offensive. They categorized different things such as the eyes, nose, ears, lips and eyebrows. I just couldn't understand how they found that if you had green eyes, you were more inclined to be jealous easier than someone with brown. It went on further that people with bushy eyebrows have bad intentions. It doesn't make sense to me. What proof do they have that all people are like that because of a certain feature God has given them? I don't think that's what He had in mind. I'm pretty sure he didn't decide that everyone with blue eyes were going to be the generous ones, and people with hair knuckles where destined to be rich. The most appalling part of this entire thing was at the end when they said the perfect person was ( and I quote ) "They'd likely have upward-slanting eyes, a turned-up nose, a wide philtrum, a flat chin, small earlobes, hairy knuckles, pointy fingers and a broad brow."

I guess the rest of us are screwed.

Dignity

2005-09-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

I just read a devotion thing I get in the mail. It was about women who were in New Orleans, well Mississippi anyways, and they were all at a salon that was already having about 16 customers....Before lunch. I thought the devotion was going to be about not caring about what you look like, you should be helping out. To my surprise it was about these women and how they were on the right track.
It must be something deep in our DNA, one of them said, and she's right. It is in our DNA. We are all made in the image of God and among other things, to care about our physical appearance is to care about that. It's a shame these women felt it necessary to apologize for treating themselves with appropriate dignity.
So many of the people there have lost just that. They feel they have no dignity left.
This feeling of self worth isn't excessive, nor is it silly. It is treating oneself with the care and dignity suitable to our family line. It's the same care everyone deserves, because God is our Father, and we are all made for and loved by Him.

Pooh Bear Lessons

2005-09-16T21:30:00.000-07:00

~It amazing how something that little kids watch could be so inspiring

Pooh, there's something I need to tell you

Is it something nice?

Not exactly...

Then it can wait.

It can, for how long?

Forever and Ever....

Another quiz

2005-09-10T20:34:00.000-07:00

I guess we're all obessed with these things now...ah well gives me something to do.

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Good citizens?

2005-09-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning to find out there are people all over our street. I was trying to figure out what they were doing. It looked to me like they were cleaning other peoples houses. There were teenagers with rakes and adults with hammers, little kids wiping windows. To me this was amazing. People that I've never seen getting together to help their fellow man. Maybe they knew the people on our street, for they never came to our house. It was alright with me if they didn't come. A few times I felt like I should go out there, ask if I could help do anything. Being me however I got shy and didn't want to bother any of them. It would have been great to leave it at that, people helping others for no other reason than to help, until my dad got up and as he was leaving to go to work he said; if they come to our door and ask if they can do anything, tell them no. I thought that was a bit odd so I asked why I had to say no. He turned to me and said you can say yes if you want to pay for it. It dumbfounded me. I never for a minute thought that these people were doing all that for money. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I want to believe there's still good in people. I don't see anything wrong with that. But was my dad right? Were they doing this for the money, or for the sake of helping someone?

Two-faced

2005-09-08T17:50:00.000-07:00

I've met a lot of people that could be considered "two-faced". I'm probably guilty of being this way as well. It's something I've come to notice it so much more since school has started. I'll see people I know who have great values and think of life in a totally cool way; and then there they are hanging out with people who are ( how can I say this kindly? ) more on the materialistic side. Now this is where most people go; where is she to judge? I'm not judging, I'm just trying to make a point as to some people have more of a dominant focus on how much they spend is equal to how much their worth. What bothers me afterwards, is thinking; where did those values go? How can you be talking about wanting to make a difference in the world, and then talking about how that guy that walked past is wearing the weirdest shoes? Maybe I'm totally wrong here. Maybe that is the reason I have trouble making friends in a non Christian environment. I judge too quickly perhaps, and say who is a good person and who is not.

Violet

2005-09-03T23:57:00.000-07:00

VIOLET

You surround yourself with art and music and are constantly driven to express yourself. You often daydream. You prefer honesty in your relationships and belive strongly in your personal morals.

Find out your color at Quiz Me!

A Poem

2005-09-03T23:35:00.000-07:00

The Big Easy

Tired and sad,
but no wiser for the wear.
I spent the night
skimming the shallows
of reason and meaning,
searching for answers,
but came up with only
blood-drawn question marks
before drifting off in the
current of sleep.

I dreamed I seine-fished
the streets of Tulsa
with a chicken-wire net.
On South Peoria, I dredged up
a rotted oak branch,
the orange and white sign
from an A&W stand,
a thirty-four year-old mother
with brown, floating hair,
and some drowned child’s lunch box—
on the lid, the rusting image of the Hulk,
that icon of rage unleashed, unrestrained.

In the distance,
the boiling green fury of the clouds
passed on.

I went north—
at times wading,
at times swimming—
past half-submerged
bistros and boutiques
on Cherry Street,
then came to a man,
clean and dry,
standing alone on a quiet
expressway overpass.
His voice echoed off the
surface of the sunken city
as he preached a heaven
with no floods,
no killer waves from the sea,
no home-shattering earthquakes,
no burning forests or rolling lava.
And while he spoke,
a wet and weary cat
fought the current,
howled and scratched at
a concrete pillar, then
sank into the water
at the preacher’s feet.

I woke
to the usual unheard screams
from dying, choking throats.
Millions still starving in Africa.
Thousands still bleeding in Sudan.
Now hundreds drowning
in New Orleans.
Will this bring the fire back
to our bones?
Will our words fork lightning
after this?
Will the hands and feet of Christ
be tireless?
Or will we barely rouse
at this passing storm,
only to sink back down
into our lives of ease and
continue our slouch
toward New Jerusalem?

-Mike Snyder

Religion Board

2005-09-03T09:13:00.000-07:00

It was early in the morning, and I thought I would check out a religious message board, just to see what other people thought of Christ. What I read truly upsets me.
I knew I was going to find a few people in there that said there was no Heaven, that God was just a myth. What I wasn't expecting were people he don't believe trashing Jesus as if he was the fat kid in class that everyone made fun of. The first post I read was a young woman making a point of that she loved the Romans for what they did to Jesus, and further more, if they hadn't and he was in our times; that she would take pleasure in doing it herself. I couldn't believe someone could have such hate for another, especially Him.
A man who was going to get married wanted to know if he should change his religion, even it he thought the religion was completely "stupid". The religion was Mormon. All the responses where of how you should never give up your faith, and that you should try to convert her because she was obviously "retarded" and needed to ( and this is a quote ) "go to the mental hospital".
The only post I actually got something out of, a post where I thought, now this person is actually trying to talk about something, was a little girl who wanted to now if our country was too cynical to have religion and just be able to believe. Then she asked if there was anything we could do. Now what got to me was that there were only two responses. One said that we were all screwed, there was no hope. The other said that we needed to have public prayer, and get rid of all the homosexuals.
What is the world coming to?

Miss independent

2005-08-30T21:08:00.000-07:00

I don't know how single women survive.

I would be the hopeless romantic that the world seems to be short of these days. All the advertising is showing strong women; which I have no problem with, playing it off as they don't need a man to complete them. All they need is the company of themselves, and their families along with their other man bashing friends. I know not all women are like that, but what I don't understand is how that type of a woman can look at a couple in the park with their kids, or the teenagers in the pizza place holding hands across the table and not wish that they too had that connection with a person. To look into another person's eyes and see everything you'd hoped for. You find your prince is his shining armor who is just bursting to talk to you.
With the book I read a few weeks ago, has I've already talked about, it tells of how a woman needs to be rescued, needs to be romanced. We are strong, yes indeed. But men are the protectors, while we are the nurturers.
There's something about romance that just gets to me, right into my very being. It makes me feel alive and I can't keep the smile off my face when I hear of how a friend's boy-friend took the bus for 3 hours just to see her. Or told her that he loved her for the first time. So I'll pray for all the single women who think those feelings are a sign of weakness, of depending on another person. I pray these women find a man that can show them that they don't need to be alone, that they will take care of them, tell them that they're beautiful every morning and when they leave, tell them they miss them.

-I have to go watch pretty woman now.

My "Enemies"

2005-08-27T21:55:00.000-07:00

I've been dealing with people lately, where I don't know how to react. I guess it's hard for me to not be around christian - like people. That looking back on it sounds so unlike the religion itself. Shouldn't I help these people see the light? Find Jesus, so they too might be saved? Well that's what I concluded. So I went to take a look in the bible on how I might go about doing such a thing. And what I got was a rude awakening. I discovered that I was going about this in the wrong way. I was trying to help these people so that I could accept them, love them.

Luke 6:27-36
27"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. 30Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 31Do to others as you would have them do to you.
32"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. 33And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. 34And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. 35But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

So that was my slap in the face, (as some say) by God. Telling me that I should love people, sure I can try to help them, but to help them by praying and accepting who they are. If I wish to be loved and not judged I must do the same. Then I thought, what if God was like that. What if, because I am a sinner God decided he would hate me, and not accept me until I changed. Thank God He's not human.

2005-08-27T19:43:00.000-07:00

Annette's helping me with my blog issues, ( Thanks Annette ) I'll hopefully be happy with it in a couple of days.

Why you Love Someone

2005-08-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

It's the way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt them anymore..... Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them ... it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of their very heart.We love them for a million reasons, No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart. A feeling. Only felt.

Gone

2005-08-22T21:45:00.000-07:00

Re did my blog, forgot to save all my links... I think I'm heart broken. I'll work on it again once I have the strength. j/k

2005-08-21T22:14:00.000-07:00

cross

Baptism Confusion

2005-08-21T12:33:00.000-07:00

I was listening to Howard talk today at church and he kept talking about if you accept Jesus into your life then you become a child of God. I thought that by doing that you had to be baptized first. I've personally never been baptized, maybe next summer with our church. When they say to be born again... Doesn't that mean that you've gone and been baptized, declaring to the world that you believe in Christ? And until then, are you just kidding yourself that God is talking to you? I got the impression from a book I once read that until you have been baptized, God doesn't talk to you, doesn't communicate until you have been born again. So, am I wrong here, or do I speak some variation of the truth? I do intend to be baptized, it kind of sucks I have to wait a year but maybe I need to learn more things before I do.

Under New Ownership

2005-08-16T16:56:00.000-07:00

You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

What does it mean to not belong to myself? I can think of a few things.

It means that I should probably do a lot of consulting with my new owner. There is more to consider than just me and what I want to do; there is God and what He wants me to do.
If you’re anything like me, this makes sense until you begin to wonder over what He wants you to do in certain circumstances. It isn’t always clear.

For this we have scripture and gifted members of the fellowship to consult, but in all instances it is the attitude of the heart that is most important. It is a submissive attitude toward God that He is looking for – what the Old Testament calls a broken and contrite heart. It’s being always open and teachable because I realize my new owner has a different way of looking at things than what comes natural for me. In fact, over time I begin to realize what comes natural for me is often my biggest problem.
Instead of “how much can I get away with here,” God is looking for an “even if I’m not sure, what do I think God would want me to do here” attitude. God is not going to lead astray a humble person who is seeking to do His will.

Our new ownership also means there will be inner conflict. It used to be just me. Now I have me and the Spirit and we may not always be in sync.
In Roman 7, Paul concludes that an inner battle over right and wrong is a good thing because it proves at least that something good is going on. “But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good” (Romans 7:16). Or, in other words, he may have done the wrong thing, but at least he knew it was wrong.

Consider even the Son of God whose joy was always to do the will of His Father in heaven, who in the garden of Gethsemane cried out after sweating blood over it, “Yet I want your will to be done, not mine” (Luke 22:42).
It used to be easier. It used to be just me left to the whim of my desires. But all that has changed. I am not my own anymore; I have been bought by God at a high price – the blood of Jesus – and He has a plan and a purpose for me as my new owner.

Now if I could just stop trying to take myself back!

-John Fischer

God's finishing Touch

2005-08-14T15:38:00.000-07:00

Ok so I haven't posted in a really long time, and the weird thing is, I wasn't gone anywhere so I really have no good excuse that I can think of. I decided a little while ago that I needed some time to try and figure a few things out about myself. I'm reading a book that Erin lent to me and it's amazing. It's called Captivating and I personally believe that every woman should read this book. Men could read it too I suppose, but they might be better off reading the one by the same author that was designed for men; Wild at heart. Anyways, this book I'm reading is all about a woman's soul and how God is just waiting to romance us. When I first read that part I felt a little embarrassed, I mean God is actually sitting up in heaven trying to woo me?

I read about the story of Adam and Eve. The part I like best is when we go in depth and it says that God did not finish his work with Adam but with Eve. Woman was God's finishing touch. They were both put on earth to be the image of God, but in different ways. Adam was the image of God's strength and powerfulness. Now in strong, they don't mean that every guy has to have rippling muscles and gorgeous abs. What they mean is the strength to never give up, to pursue and to be present and believe in the people they love. Eve was the image of God's beauty.The very essence of a woman is beauty. And in this we do not mean that women need to look like they belong in Hollywood, but that a tenderness and vulnerability comes out of them, a peaceful heart that makes that woman so alluring and inviting, and beautiful.

I've struggled with these facts, and that God is waiting for me to give him my whole hart so he may share his own with me. I don't really feel completely beautiful ( the way I have just described ) but its something I pray for, I pray for God's grace to flow from within me.

Ranting about Disney

2005-08-03T19:59:00.000-07:00

In Beauty and the Beast, Gaston sings about how he's so strong, and juggles a bunch of eggs and drops them down his throat one by one. As they go down they make that distinct gulping noise that I love so much. All in all, we realized that without Disney movies to inspire and influence us, we wouldn't be who we are today. Without the Lion King we would have no pride, and would never be as determined to do whatever the hell we want. Without Snow White we wouldn't know how to clean. No A lice and Wonderland and we probably wouldn't even like tea. And without Aladdin, with Jasmine's bouncing cleavage, and the seductive subliminable messages, we would have no sexuality I'm sure. So, therefore, imaginations are clearly made of the Walt Disney magic we grew up with and admired.
-Ryanne Biggs

Love And Fear

2005-08-01T14:40:00.000-07:00

Emotions only have two categories. Did anyone know that?
There's fear, and love. In relationships; not just romantic, but all relationships, 95 percent of them are based on fear, while only 5 percent are based on love. They have characteristics that make up each relationship. Love has no obligations. Fear is full of obligations. When it comes to fear, whatever we do is because we have to. We expect other people to do things because they have to. As soon as we have an obligation, we resist it. And that's when we start suffering. Love has no resistance. We do things because we want to. It becomes a pleasure, we have fun with it.

Love has no expectations. Fear is full of expectations. With fear we expect that we have to do things. And we expect other to do the same. It's why love doesn't hurt while fear does. We expect something, and if it doesn't happen we are hurt- it isn't fair. We blame others for not meeting our expectations. When we love, we don't have expectations. if someone doesn't do something, because they don't want to it's not personal. It's not important anymore. We don't feel hurt because whatever happens is okay.

Love is based on respect. Fear doesn't respect anything. If I feel sorry for you, it means I don't respect you. It's like saying, you cannot make your own choices, I have to make them for you. If I don't respect you, I will try to control you. Love is ruthless, it doesn't feel sorry for anyone. It has compassion. Fear is full of pity. It feels sorry for everyone. You feel sorry for someone when you don't think they can make it. Love respects you, it says "I love you, I know you can make it. I will give you a hand if you fall, you can do it, go ahead." That is compassion.

Love is unconditional. Fear is full of conditions. When it comes to fear, they say I love you if you let me control you, if you are good to me if you fit the image I make for you. With love there is no if I love you for no reason I love you the way you are, you are free to be the way you are.

No one has the right to change us. If we are going to change it is because we want to.
-What kind of relationships do you have?

Happy...

2005-07-28T19:55:00.000-07:00

I think I might be depressed. I just really can't be happy for more than a few minutes. I want to so much, I'm taking simple things and making them hard. I'm making big deals out of little things. I have people who are finally starting to be happy again and I can't be happy for them. I'm being really selfish right now. I can't get over myself and just be glad that those individuals are doing well. I tell myself to get over it, I had myself a 10 minute cry in the bathroom this afternoon. I got over it. But once I was with those persons, I couldn't be happy. It was still fresh in my mind and I realized that maybe I just need a break for a bit. Even though that's the last thing I want to do. I want to be around them, to see their happy times, but I don't want to bring them down, as I know I would. I'm sorry, I'm very sorry.

Help

2005-07-27T19:13:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about helping people lately. Not really thinking I should be helping people, but when your helping someone, or at least your trying and it doesn't seem to be having any effect what so ever. I hate that feeling. Feels like in a way, I've failed that person because I didn't have to answer to their problems. I know you can't help everyone, and sometimes the feeling I hate the most is when you know someone who has a problem, and you did what you could to help but it didn't work and you just weren't saying anything to really help them understand the situation and how to help it, and then.... You find out that they got help from someone else and that person just helped them so much and that everything was lookin a little better. I hate that. Then all I can think about is; why couldn't I do it for them, why did my advice have no effect and someone else's did? I was talking to a good friend and they said something to me that just made me go; I'm such an idiot for thinking that. He said; sometimes its not our calling to help someone but someone else's turn to feel the goodness of helping someone out I know you wish you could help someone out at times but we cant always be the person of great wisdom.

Now there's something to think about.

2005-07-27T12:37:00.000-07:00

Iv never had to do such a big thing in my life. I'm so scared that I might so the rong thing and screw things up fore the rest of my life. I'm always trying to think of an alternative answer but I never quite think of something good enough. I'm deeply saddened by what I no I have to do. Some times I wish I could just live a normal happy life... read more here

Songs

2005-07-26T16:32:00.000-07:00

Change me; by Sanctus Real

And did I change your mind
with what I felt last night
and did I break your heart
by spreading so far
from what you had in mind
for my life

I want you to change me from who I have been lately
because I know I'm nothing without you

and did my words betray
the patience I once lead
cant you see it in my face
I need your grace

and I want you to change me from who I have been lately
because I know I'm nothing without you
the word is beat to me
it shall be what I need

is the patience, kindness, all that's in between
loving, honest, the way you leave me
I want you to change me from who I have been lately
because I know I'm nothing without you

I want you to break me from the way I have been lately
because I cant see living without you

2005-07-26T16:29:00.000-07:00

Been looking around for new christian songs, and this one I can't stop listening too. Same with another but I post them both. Then I'll be done with the song buisness for a bit.

Alive In This Moment

It's been so long since I have met You here
Since I have said these words or cried these tears
And like a child would come I run into our secret place
And as the music fades, the tears are rolling down my face

I am alive in this moment
In this moment I am found
I am alive in this moment
In this moment I belong

It's been so long since I have met You here
Since I have heard You speak or let You near
And like a wayward son I've come with nothing left to hide
Here in this moment I have come to offer up my life

Here only one fire burns, it burns
Here only one melody is heard
Once again for the very first time
My eyes are opening

Servant-hood

2005-07-22T18:29:00.000-07:00

I was reading The purpose driven life a while ago and today's chapter was about Thinking like a servant. I have no problem in serving others as well as God. It's just that at times I'd like to have some kind of help. There are times when I clean my house and when I'm finished what I get in return is what I didn't do right or to their standards. It's discouraging on one hand; and on the other it makes me want to try harder next time. The Bible says: "If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life." Now there's where you have to swallow a lot of pride. I mean why would you want to help someone who doesn't even appreciate what your doing? Most of the time, I'm helping out for the right reasons. Occasionally I want that Thank you when I'm done but usually I'd rather do things for people without them really knowing it was me. I don't really want that thank you because I know they appreciate it. Well, most people. I look at certain people and think how can they be living that way, they're being so selfish right now. Don't get me wrong I'm selfish too, everyone is. But there's people I can't get over and just want to tell them what are you doing!? You just got new clothes, why do you need more?. Its so hard to let that stuff go because before I was like that, almost exactly like that and now I give a lot of my clothes away, I spend as much time giving to people because I like to think that when they see that something nice has been done for them they get a little lift in their day. I love that feeling you get when you know you've given something to someone who really needed it, and it always makes me say a thanks to God for giving me those opportunities. Paul said; "Who are you to criticize someone else's servant? The Lord will determine whether his servant has been successful" Those are hard words for me to accept. A part of me is just wanting to to tell those people, just think about someone else, help someone but I know they need to figure it out themselves. It sucks because I worry about my family constantly. They all believe in God, but that's as far as it goes. Their philosophy is; I believe in God, so that means I'm going to Heaven if I'm a good person. That's the way it should be accept, they're being good people according to THEIR standards, not God's. There's something I've been wondering about serving others. Is it alright to days for yourself? Are there days when you think I'd just like to take a long bath after the dishes and spend some time taking care of myself. Lately I've been doing the essential stuff. I get dressed I eat so I'm not hungry and then I go and do what needs to be done. I have showers of course, but I don't spend hours on my hair and make-up and I don't freak out when someone asks me to do something for them. So, the point of this whole thing is can we take time for ourselves, or do we never stop giving?

Love survey

2005-07-22T16:46:00.000-07:00

*FILL IT OUT*

Show some love

1. Tell me one thing you love about me.

2. Tell me two things you love about yourself.

3. Look through the comments ~ when you see someone you know, tell them three things you love about them.

4. Do this in your journal so I can tell you what I love about YOU - and if you've already done it, tell me so, so that I can go back and give you some love

The 4 Q's

2005-07-19T13:44:00.000-07:00

There are only four questions of value in life:

What is sacred

Of what is the spirit made

What is worth living for

What is worth dying for

All can be answered with only one answer. Love

-Don Juan de Marco

Dying in the Bible

2005-07-19T12:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm reading the Bible ( New testament ) and I'm almost done. Well I'm about half way through. I've been reading it since June and I'm getting confused. There's stories in the Bible about people who have died, being healed and brought back to life. Now isn't that something we shouldn't mess with? I mean they died, God had a plan for them and at the end of that plan, they die. So wouldn't bringing them back be against God?. Well ok unless the plan was to die and then come back. But why would He bother to have them die just to be healed? Its all very confusing.

"Heart" and "Soul"

2005-07-13T21:02:00.000-07:00

Why is it that people use the term heart, when it comes to their feelings? Like for instance; "My heart belongs to you, or you've broken my heart etc. Your heart is an organ, can't be broken by feelings, A person can't carry you in their heart when they go away for a long time.. So why say that? I think a way better thing to say would be " my soul" my soul longs for you, my soul feels your pain. Maybe it's just me but somehow it makes way more sense.

New Blog

2005-07-11T22:40:00.000-07:00

Got a new blogger, Love you babe. Check him out here

How Great Is Our God

2005-07-10T21:29:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite songs. Read it, download it. It's great.

~The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice

He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end

The Godhead Three in One
Father Spirit Son
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb

Name above all names
Worthy of all praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God ~

Evil Quote

2005-07-07T11:56:00.000-07:00

"Throughout history, it has been the inaction of those who could have acted; the indifference of those who should have known better; the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most; that has made it possible for evil to triumph."

My quiet place

2005-07-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

We had girl's night on Tuesday. Kim had the night planned out and did a talk about talking to God. Me personally don;t have an idea when God is talking to me. I mean, I thought I was supposed to be listening for this deep voice, and when He spoke I would get shivers down my spine or something because it felt it was deep inside me but someone else at the same time....If that makes sense. Anyways, I'm guessing I was wrong about that one. Kim had this really good idea where we all separated and went on our own to pray and listen for God, to talk to Him etc. I chose the bathroom and didn't have much luck. A part of me is like you know what, your not listening. I think I just need to sit somewhere quiet for a while today and try to do it again. Many know I'm Irish, not known for patience, and I'm clearly Irish through and through when it comes to that. I mean I won't even wait for internet pages to load if it takes to long. So how am I supposed to sit there quietly listening for God, for 15, 20 maybe even an hour? I've found its also hard to find a quiet place. If you go to your room, eventually someone will come looking for you, or the TV will be on and you can't tune it out. Maybe you could go outside, but then I think of all the people passing and starring wondering what I'm doing. Which doesn't matter and I know that. It's still a little thing with me though, saying Erin people are watching, what are you doing? But God is more important than all those people because He's my Lord, my Father and I'm trying to talk to Him. So sometimes today I will try again, to find my quiet place and have a chat with God today. Wish me luck.

Nothing like it before.

2005-07-05T00:12:00.000-07:00

Youth tonight was freakin' amazing. I've never seen anything like that, or seen God so present in a room filled with so many people reaching out to Him. We watched a video about personal and spiritual baggage, that keeps us from leading healthy and faith driven lives, without the hate and revenge. After that, Greg asked if anyone had baggage they wanted to share. And it was all a crying from there. People confessed about their past hurts and their issues they've been silently dealing with, which ultimately let me, let go and let God. Not without the help of Greg and other people who sat with me and prayed for me. I've never had anyone actually pray for me while I was there. It was just so amazing to hear those words and know that they were intended just for me and my struggles. I always knew people loved me, you know family loves me, ( they have to ) friends care etc, but having those people just tell me that they loved me meant so much it was just overwhelming. I went away from tonight feeling so much better. I feel like God lifted us all up together and said to each of us, I'm taking it all away from you, you are my children, and I love you. I feel new in a way, like I can start to live really as God intended. I want to give just really, a special thanks to those people who sat with me and prayed for me, whop gave me hugs and told me that they love me. It's one of the most amazing gifts I know I will ever receive. I've been praying non stop ( it's like my head won't shut up ) and I'm here for anyone and I'm praying for you. Love you guys.

I'm back...With questions...

2005-07-04T11:04:00.000-07:00

Alright so I'm back. Everyone excited? Of course. It was fun for the most part. Driving for a long time kinda sucked but all together I had a pretty sweet time. While I was up there I kept thinking bout this one subject or like sub-subject when I was reading the Bible. Anyways, so I know that everything happens for a reason. But is it seriously everything? You know like God planned out that you were going to eat that green apple on Wednesday for whatever reason? And then there's the more serious question... Same subject. Lets say we have.. A "good person" and a "sinner". Now the "sinner" is running round like a crazy person and somehow kills the "good person". Now why would God want the "bad person" to kill the "good person"? They say God has a plan for your life. Was that guys plan to get shot at age 38 and leave a wife and two kids? ( this isn't a personal story I just watch the news too much ) If God didn't want that to happen, then isn't that saying God made a mistake?

Vacation time

2005-06-29T21:59:00.000-07:00

Going away till monday.... Won't be able to blog. Make sure nothing too amazing goes on at church. I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Was it Him?

2005-06-28T10:45:00.000-07:00

God's been driving me insane these past few days. I've been doing my thing, talking to Him and whatnot, but I don't hear anything. Which is alright by me because I know I will eventually if I just keep talking, well praying. The interesting part about all of this, is that it feels easy for me. Everyone says they have problems talking to Him, but me I just talk because I know He's aware of what I'm actually thinking, so I might as well say it. The hard part, is that I don't feel changed when I talk to Him. I feel like, Ok God, I've talked to you, I've told you what I'm afraid of, I've told you what I wish for the future, now it's up to you. I don't feel lighter in a sense, sometimes I feel at peace. There was this one thing on the way back from the park and felt like He was there for a moment. I was walking down the street and the wind was blowing, I didn't think much of it until I stopped ( for some reason ) and I felt the wind wrap all the way around me and then out again. I have no idea what that is supposed to mean, but as soon as I started walking again, I was thinking; " Was that God just then?"

Good Day

2005-06-24T21:58:00.000-07:00

I had a good day today. Made some dessert thingys, not quite sure what they were called; but their for the banquet tomorrow. Hope lots of people are coming, it's gunna be sweet. Went over to the Minor's to make spaghetti sauce, to find out that they were already done. So Jill, erne, Jesse and I walked all the way back. They were having a fare-well party-dinner type deal at the Greensheilds for Darlene ( I actually haven't met her, so I really hope that's her name -sorry if otherwise ) anyways, and she's moving which kinda sucks since I never got to know her. Did know enough to know she's as awesome singer. All in all I had a good day ( wearing all white, who woulda guessed ) and now it's time I hit the sack.
Later Days :)

Call of the White

2005-06-24T14:46:00.000-07:00

What is it about wearing white that just makes you feel so good? Sometimes if it's an "ify" day I'll wear all white and I just feel awesome. Clean and pure almost. Hmmm. Maybe in a way it brings you closer to God. No idea how though...

How does He do it?

2005-06-23T13:59:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid I might be turning this blog into non stop religious questions. That's alright though, I've got other things to talk about as well, but as I read the Bible, I just have more and more questions.

The one main thing from holding me back to fully believing in God is just that I don't know how He has the time for everyone in the world. There's just so much science that I've learnt in school that shows how things come to be, and I just wonder how did God know to do that, to make this happen? How does he help me everyday through my struggles with full attention and meanwhile help everyone else in the world who believe in Him as well...

My Religious Questions

2005-06-19T19:20:00.000-07:00

I used to do yoga. A lot. And I was watching a movie where a girl was doing yoga. Anyways, it got me to thinking, should Christian people do yoga? I mean once you start learning about it and the three Shakras ( your inner soul ) I then started to wonder; is this leading away from faith?

I got home today and decided it was a good time to get back into the Pj's and sit in front of the TV, maybe grab some crackers and watch Pretty Woman. I was just in the mood. Then I thought, are Christians aloud to take breaks? Are we aloud to have some couch time to just sit and do nothing? Or are we always supposed to be out doing everything we can to be closer to God? If that's true my summer's gunna be a lot different from last year....

As much as I want to believe in the Lord, I'm finding myself holding back. Now more so than ever. Even though I'm reading a book that helps you understand the meaning of life and how God is working through us, I've also picked up the Bible for some nice summer reading. But what concerns me the most is the people I love, who don't believe in God. When it comes to eternity, I am not going to be happy knowing that there are people who had major roles in my life, no in that other lovely place. Once I realized this I got so angry and upset I thought for a minute that if I didn't believe in God, maybe it wouldn't happen. Like when we die, whatever we believe will happen, will in fact happen. It's not the way it works though and I know that. But I gotta be honest I wish it sometimes.

I pray. I pray a lot more than I used to. I was just wondering, does God answer our prayers for people who are not religious? If your praying for someone who is hurt and you ask God to help them through this hard time, will that prayer be left unanswered because that person does not believe?

With our culture it's so hard to differentiate our own needs and the needs of our Lord. You go through life and your liking yourself, you think you've got it going the way you want, and then you think, wait. Am I not supposed to have my life the way I want it? Is this the way God would have wanted it. I find it the most difficult when it comes to school. Sometimes when I know I have homework, but there's youth that night and I really want to go, I'll choose that over the homework because I'll figure; Hey, this is for God so it must be more important. But is that right?

I've got more questions I'm sure. But there's a few to start us off.

My spin on forgiveness

2005-06-19T19:09:00.000-07:00

I've been having so many thoughts lately about faith and God and all these other issues that I've been writing down in a notebook and thinking about them to try and resolve and answer the questions. Some though I don't think I can just answer by myself. Anyways, before I do a post on all these questions I've got, I was reading a post by Connie about forgiveness and I feel a little differently about it's definition. I feel it means more like; giving up the hope that the past could be any different. I love that definition, because it doesn't mean that you then have to accept the person back into your life. Forgiveness does not mean I now want to have you over for dinner. It doesn't mean I want to associate with you. It just means I will no longer be tied to the past.

2005-06-19T15:46:00.000-07:00

They voted Christy Turlington, to have the best lips in the world. What do we think?

2005-06-19T12:19:00.000-07:00

Changing up the blog again, I get bored easy. I've already alphabetized the links page. I'm so cool.

A Mother's Miracle

2005-06-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

It was one of the hottest days of the dry season. We had not seen rain in almost a month. The crops were dying. Cows had stopped giving milk. The creeks and streams were long gone back into the earth.

It was a dry season that would bankrupt several farmers before it was through. Every day, my husband and his brothers would go about the arduous process of trying to get water to the fields. Lately this process had involved taking a truck to the local water rendering plant and filling it up with water. But severe rationing had cut everyone off. If we didn't see some rain soon...we would lose everything.

It was on this day that I learned the true lesson of sharing and witnessed the only miracle I have seen with my own eyes. I was in the kitchen making lunch for my husband and his brothers when I saw my six-year old son, Billy, walking toward the woods. He wasn't walking with the usual carefree abandon of a youth but with a serious purpose. I could only see his back.

He was obviously walking with a great effort...trying to be as still as possible. Minutes after he disappeared into the woods, he came running out again, toward the house. I went back to making sandwiches; thinking that whatever task he had been doing was completed. Moments later, however, he was once again walking in that slow purposeful stride toward the woods. This activity went on for an hour: walk carefully to the woods, run back to the house.

Finally I couldn't take it any longer and I crept out of the house and followed him on his journey (being very careful not to be seen...as he was obviously doing important work and didn't need his Mommy checking up on him). He was cupping both hands in front of him as he walked; being very careful not to spill the water he held in them...maybe two or three tablespoons were held in his tiny hands. I sneaked close as he went into the woods. Branches and thorns slapped his little face but he did not try to avoid them. He had a much higher purpose.

As I leaned in to spy on him, I saw the most amazing site. Several large deer loomed in front of him. Billy walked right up to them. I almost screamed for him to get away. A huge buck with elaborate antlers was dangerously close. But the buck did not threaten him...he didn't even move as Billy knelt down. And I saw a tiny fawn laying on the ground, obviously suffering from dehydration and heat exhaustion, lift its head with great effort to lap up the water cupped in my beautiful boy's hand. When the water was gone, Billy jumped up to run back to the house and I hid behind a tree. I followed him back to the house; to a spigot that we had shut off the water to. Billy opened it all the way up and a small trickle began to creep out. He knelt there, letting the drip, drip slowly fill up his makeshift "cup," as the sun beat down on his little back. And it came clear to me.

The trouble he had gotten into for playing with the hose the week before. The lecture he had received about the importance of not wasting water. The reason he didn't ask me to help him. It took almost twenty minutes for the drops to fill his hands. When he stood up and began the trek back, I was there in front of him. His little eyes just filled with tears. "I'm not wasting," was all he said.

As he began his walk, I joined him...with a small pot of water from the kitchen. I let him tend to the fawn. I stayed away. It was his job. I stood on the edge of the woods watching the most beautiful heart I have ever known working so hard to save another life.

As the tears that rolled down my face began to hit the ground, they were suddenly joined by other drops...and more drops...and more. I looked up at the sky. It was as if God, himself, was weeping with pride. Some will probably say that this was all just a huge coincidence. That miracles don't really exist. That it was bound to rain sometime. And I can't argue with that...I'm not going to try. All I can say is that the rain that came that day saved our farm...just like that actions of one little boy saved another.

I don't know if anyone will read this...but I had to send it out. To honor the memory of my beautiful Billy, who was taken from me much too soon....But not before showing me the true face of God, in a little sunburned body

2005-06-16T15:20:00.000-07:00

Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees

Summer

2005-06-16T11:03:00.000-07:00

Summer's Here. So excited. Im done with exams and everything. Just glad for a break and to be hanging out with everyone.